Seven Up
| Friday 29 July, 2005 |
I'm often asked:
'OK mr know it all onionabglogger, so what exactly ARE the Seven Wonders of South London? Eh? EH? And no, that stash of magazines under your bed that you borrowed from your mate dodgy Dave doesn't count.'
So here we have it: A potted history of the seven places in South London that make up my world. Apologies if you're anticipating pictures of posh birds poncing about outside some pavement cafe in Kensington. That's not a wonder; it's a waste of coffee. But one that I wouldn't mind giving a good grind to all the same.
Originally the site of a cabbage patch (the outfield is still a bit patchy), The Oval dates back to the mid 1800's. The first turf was laid in 1845, transported over from Tooting Common. That's not the only thing that gets laid around the edges of Tooting Common these days. The Montpelier Cricket Club of Walworth were the original tenants, with tea consisting of pie and mash in the pavilion. Surrey County Cricket Club soon moved in, building the current pavilion in 1898. Some of the old boys who helped to construct it can still be found falling asleep during a Second XI match.
Current Use:
 Day release - medication in bag |
Desired Use:
The Oval is indeed a wonder to behold during the summer months, but I can't but help think that the outfield is underused during the winter. It could be converted into a theme park during the winter months, utilising the nearby Vauxhall Ski Ramp. Local nutters could drive their cars down the ramp with the aim of landing just backward of square. It would certainly ease the traffic congestion around the Harleyford Road.
Happiest Memory:
Managing to blag some corporate freebie tickets for the New Zealand Test in 1999, with a perfect view overlooking the wicket in the Captain's Room. It just wasn't cricket for The Suits though who were too busy all day 'closing the deal.' They failed to understand that when you attend a Test match you do so to watch cricket. After having to listen to some business bores for the entire morning session, after lunch I re-designed my own name tag to read 'Day release - medication in bag.' I was rewarded with the sound of silence for the afternoon session.
Hidden Secret:
FREE entry to County Championship matches in the Seats of No Shame after the old clock in the pavilion has struck 4 O' clock. OK, so it's no great secret but it doesn't half piss off the Surrey members.
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1816 and the only surviving windmill out of a total of twelve that were originally built in Lambeth. A bit like Brixton, the old dear has been through some rough times, but is now a shining beacon sitting on the brow of Brixton Hill. Rumour has it that if the windmill should ever fall, the price of Lambeth Weed will rise. We're very protective of our windmill in South London.
Current Use:
I've had enough of crappy Tesco bread |
Desired Use:
Making bread. Like most individuals with a reasonably formed sense of taste, the Friends of Windmill Gardens have had enough of crappy Tesco Value Bread.
Happiest Memory:
Watching Brixton's Rasta Santa perform a forward roll over a dozen school kids outside the windmill at the height of summer. And no, I wasn't tripping.
Hidden Secret:
The top window has a mysterious face peering out. Local rumour has it that this is the face of Childe Brihtsige, a Celt who erected a stone at the top of Brixton Hill in 1067 - Brih's Stone, if you will. And yes, he does look a little stoned.
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The first two chimneys in Sir Giles Gilbert Scott's Southside masterpiece were erected in 1933. The Fantastic Four were not completed until twenty years later. This extended time frame has now repeated itself with current freehold owner Parkview seemingly taking just as long to decide what the hell they want to do with their purchase.
Current Use:
We need an Elvis monument |
Desired Use:
Olympic ice pad, velodrome, South London memorial to the legend of Elvis Presley. You know, the usual...
Happiest Memory:
Returning to Sunny Stockwell on the train after a particularly dire shopping trip to Wimbledon. As I surveyed the damage to my bank balance and tried to justify the purchase of a specialist cycling cagoule (anorak!), Pink Floyd's Pigs on the Wing shuffled onto my iPod just as the four chimneys came into view. Perfect.
Hidden Secret:
The mapping out of the four chimneys is of historical significance in that they are positioned to point towards the part of South London where all evil resides; they currently point towards the HQ of Parkview Plc.
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The old London County Council ratified plans to bulldoze bomb damaged buildings from the Blitz on 6th March, 1946. Lambeth Council later took over the project, and with all the speed and haste we have come to expect from one of the rottenest of rotten boroughs, 28 years later in 1974, work was started on laying out Larkhall Park. Reminder to self: Pay current Council Tax Bill in 2033.
Current Use:
Paradise for snogging teenagers |
Desired Use:
All of the above. But PLEASE Lambeth Council, get your arse in gear with regards the disgraceful neglect of the regeneration of the Rising Sun pub. OK, so you ignored my suggestions, but please don't let this valuable piece of council owned land go the way of poxy private property.
Happiest Memory:
Too many to mention. Having a South American male belly dancer inviting me to sniff his arse on the hottest day of the year at the recent Stockwell Festival is an image that I feel will remain with me for sometime to come.
Hidden Secret:
The Secret Garden of course. Paradise for dope deals, snogging teenagers and bloggers who wouldn't mind snogging a teenager (over 16) and scoring some dope at the same time.
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The London County Grounds were built in 1891 with a wooden banked cycle track (splinters ahoy!) and an athletics track around the inside of the perimeter. Herne Hill Harriers Athletics Club was formed here and the Amateur FA Cup Final was staged in SE24 in 1911. The finest hour for Herne Hill was the hosting of the cycling event for the Games of the XIVth Olympiad in 1948. With a nod to future South London transport 'issues,' competitors were advised to cycle to Herne Hill on their racing bikes.
Current Use:
Love child tug of war |
Desired Use:
The wheel that turns is the wheel that earns.
Happiest Memory:
Realising for the first time that when there are no cars involved, there's really no need for a bike to have the luxury of brakes and gears. Cycling eu naturale.
Hidden Secret:
If you stand up on your tiptoes in the gents showers, you get a perfect view peering out into... the Velodrome track.
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Current Use:
Face offs, fighting & fingering |
Desired Use:
To be bulldozed and the new rink to be built in time for the Redskins to hoist the Elite League Play Off Cup in 2010.
Happiest Memory:
Hearing a hardened Redskins old dear approach the highly annoying Invicta Dynamos drum beater and telling the non-rhythmic, non-Redskins fan exactly where she can stick her big bass thing.
Hidden Secret:
The blue seats that are lined along the balcony were bought from Manchester City after Maine Road was closed down. We get the same kind of results as City as well.
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Opened in 1937 as the sister Lido to a similar swimming pool in Victoria Park, Hackney. H A Rowbotham and T L Smithson were the LCC architects responsible for designing the Grade II listed building, proving that you should never judge a book by its cover. The Lido was neglected by Lambeth Council (you don't say) in the '80s and fell into disrepair. It re-opened in 1994 under a short term lease awarded to a local team, and this arrangement has continued up until now. Support from Lambeth Council hasn't. Leisure Lifestyle company Fusion has just signed a 25 year management lease, including a clause to piss off loyal customers by not allowing them to take their bikes inside.
Current Use:
Lido days, Lido nights |
Desired Use:
Swimming, sunbathing and smoking. My fear is that Fusion will crack down on one of these.
Happiest Memory:
Being made redundant in the summer of 2001 with three months full pay on the very same day that the Lido opened for the season. Nice work, fella.
Hidden Secret:
The warm water towards the shallow end where the kiddies
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And so that's your Seven Up. All of the above are indeed Wonders of South London; with the exception of The Oval, they are all also examples of woeful neglect of public facilities by public representatives. What would they rather a local area be renowned for - faceless identikit High Street facilities where you might as well be living in Middle England?
I've been there and done that, and believe me, it's far from wonderful.
The plan is to repeat this exercise for North London next week, with a subtle twist: The Seven Knobbers of North London. I've got seven days to refine my editing skills.
